Big Foot in Mouth

I think the government should start issuing Bigfoot Hunter Hunting Licenses. Personally, I think it should be open season on Bigfoot Hunters, but I’m willing to compromise. Maybe there should be a limit of about ten Bigfoot Hunters, per season, per BFHH. They’re actually pretty easy to catch – sometimes they throw themselves under the wheels of passing journalists, so it’s going to be very important that we limit the number of licenses we give out. We need to manage the herd, so to speak. Of course juveniles will be strictly off limits: its not even clear if every kid with an interest in Bigfoot will develop into a full-fledged Bigfoot Hunter. Some juvenile Bigfoot Hunters may be just going through a phase in which Poke-mon, Bat-mon, and Big-foot-mon have the same, vague asexual appeal. Also – contrary to many other wildlife management techniques, we probably won't be limiting the number of female Bigfoot Hunters that you can bag in a season. According to the information I have, there’s really no difference between the male and female varieties of Bigfoot Hunter: both are crazy SOBs with an instinct for self-promotion and a carton full of tee-shirts to sell. One of the most contentious issues will likely be just where we should be allowed to hunt for Bigfoot Hunters. While the wide-open spaces of our national forests and parks are probably the safest, BFH are actually very seldom seen in the areas where their intended prey - the actual Bigfoot, are supposed to be found. Most Bigfoot Hunters are found on the Internet - large herds have been spotted on YouTube, and the most prized sub-species, the Big-Mouthed Bigfoot Hunter, is most likely to be found at conferences of like-minded creatures in the rural communities of Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Humboldt County, California. There are actually some towns in rural Georgia where, along with signs for the Rotary and the Masons, there are signs at the town border noting that “The Sasquatch Club meets every third Wednesday at 7 p.m. at Stuckeys.” I like the idea of being able to hunt, and have a Pecan Log, in the same restaurant. I've even seen 'head cheese' on the menu at a Dairy Queen in West Virginia - but that's another story. Of course, even if you're shooting at close range, at Stuckeys or any conference venue, you always have to keep in mind that it is difficult differentiating actual Bigfoot Hunters from other Common Assholes. Especially at conferences, or at RV parks, Bigfoot Hunters are often seen in the company of the Lesser Thrill Seeker, the Bald-headed Beast Blogger, and the Tattooed Pseudo-Scientist. Only the Tattooed Pseudo-Scientist (TPS) is an acceptable target – with a similar range and an overlapping hunting season. But if you make a mistake, and bag a TPS out of season, you can expect to incur a stiff fine and most likely have to endure the adulation of Fox News’ commentators. Regardless of the difficulties, I think the American public now realizes that Bigfoot Hunters are a serious problem that requires an immediate remedy. At a time when our airwaves, I-Pods, and fiber-optic cables should be humming with rumors and innuendo about our Presidential candidates, their bandwidth is taken up, instead, by grainy images of fresh-frozen Halloween costumes, Possum-recipes, and hairless coyote. There should be room for a wider variety of crap on the Internet, and with proper Bigfoot Hunter herd management, there can be. Are you with me? If you sign up now, I will discount my best-selling Bigfoot Hunter Hunting Safari Adventure Package – which normally sells for $795, by $100, and throw in a ‘Bag the Big One: Bigfoot Hunter Hunter’ tee-shirt for free. (Just kidding, the tee shirt is $16.99)